I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
