I wish I could teleport
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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