Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
