Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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