Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
