Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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