I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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