You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
