It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Help. Why am I so naked?
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