She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
