he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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