Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
