The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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