I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
