Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
