I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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