I swear she didn't look like that last week.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Your penis caused this!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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