I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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