I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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