it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
