i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
