two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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