you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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