Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize