Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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