Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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