mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
