FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
