i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
