Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
