when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
