At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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