He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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