I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She's JV to your varsity
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the day after is always just damage control
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
