This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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