So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
