Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
