we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
So squirting runs in the family.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
