Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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