they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
