god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he thought i was a dude.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
