Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize