Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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