omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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