i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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