my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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