I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
