so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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