I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
