That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
