So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
