Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Randomize
