My cat gives me a boner
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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