Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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