Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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